Not much to talk about because I feel like I am kind of at a standstill in my life right now. I hesitate to call this a dry place, or a valley, but moreso...arid? and plateau. Things move like clockwork for the most part from day to day, and my future is still a big question mark. If you know me at all, and if I am being honest, this big looming question mark (which is really what I am trying NOT to see it as) is a big pain in the you know what for me. I spoke in an earlier post about feeling entitled to certain things because I have worked hard with what I ascertain to be my God-given talents. I am trying so hard to stop clinging to this feeling. It truly enslaves me and I feel like it is really clouding my vision right now.
I read a verse in proverbs about a week ago that I keep thinking of. Proverbs 25:2 says this:
"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter;
to search out a matter is the glory of kings."
Man, I can't help but ask myself EVERY DAY why in the world I have to know God's plans for me. Why am I so convinced that He is hiding something from me that in all actuality, and realness in this big dumb world, I really NEED to and SHOULD be privy to. (excuse me ending a sentence in a preposition). Part of God being God is that he does things His way, and if I want to experience my life to the fullest on this wretched Earth, I gotta let Him. Sometimes I convince myself that when God isn't giving me concrete answers to prayers, or peace about a matter, that I am able to make the best decision on my own anyway. I need to be reminded of this verse every day. I ope it haunts me until the day I die because by golly, part of God's power is knowing what we don't have to know.
Why, oh WHY do I need to know so bad. Why can't I just trust that no plan of my own could come close ot hitting a homer out of the park like God's? In the meantime, I am trying to be still and rest and just pray about this question mark (not so looming this time). I am going to publish all of the questions eating at me about this question mark right here in this blog post and I am leaving them here for good. God answers web-prayers too, I am convinced. So here they are: Will I have a job? How will I get insurance? Where will I live if I don't get a job? Do I take a job outside of "the South" if that is really where my heart is set? What do I do in the meantime of waiting to hear about any openings, or waiting for word from the Lord? Do I move home this summer or try to sublease somewhere warm and begin establishing connections by volunteering or wokring part time at a non-profit while also waitressing or something else for money? How will I pay my rent? What will I do if I move back to Charleston? YIKES. These are a lot. Do you see why it is a big question mark. I am leaving this stress and anxiety here, and I am going to rest in the lap of God while He chooses when and how to reveal His plan for me.
Prayer me luck (kinda like wish me luck but one trillion times better).
I think I want to revise this to wish me prayer...after I think about it...so...yea.